When my mom first diagnosed with brain cancer in January 2011, I developed anxiety. I figured it was normal. I mean, my mom had stage four brain cancer after all. That's pretty anxiety-producing.
Over the course of her cancer journey, the anxiety just got worse and worse. I knew my time with her was ticking away and I didn't want to waste it. I was away at school most of the time and it hurt to be away from her so much. I was anxious about whether I was making the right choices.
When it became obvious that the end was near, I prepared myself for the grief. For the sadness and depression that I assumed I would feel. I thought that with her gone, I would be less anxious and more depressed.
But that's not how it happened. I don't know if it's denial or what, but now a year after her death, the sadness hasn't sunk in. I get sad sometimes, and I cry. But I'm not stuck in a deep depression.
Instead, I'm stuck with this terrible anxiety. I thought that after she died, I'd feel relieved of the stress. I thought that when a loved one if sick, you feel anxious. And when a loved one dies, you feel depressed. That's not how it's worked out. Instead, the anxiety decided to stay.
But now, instead of having one thing, like my mom, to focus my anxiety on, it's just become the free-floating anxiety. I was not expecting this to happen at all. I thought I was as well prepared as I could be for grief, but I was definitely wrong.
I know people say that grief is different for everybody, but I thought for sure that at least I would feel more depressed than anxious. But no.
And sometimes I feel like the anxiety is preventing me from really grieving for my mom. Hey, maybe that's why my brain does it to me. As a defense mechanism. Whatever the reason, I wish it would go away.
