Let The Grief Begin

It's been over 3 weeks since my mom died. And it didn't really hit me until yesterday. Yesterday was August 20th. August 20th was a very important day to my mom, though we don't know why. All she told me was "August 20th is Arbitrary". It was the day she had chosen for herself to die. She told me that she just needed a day to work towards.

Well she didn't make it to August 20th. She didn't even make it to August.

She also said she wanted her "After Party" on August 20th. Well since yesterday was a Monday, we threw the After Party on the 19th. It was such a wonderful celebration of her life. About 200 people attended - from family to childhood friends to college classmates to her previous bosses and coworkers, to her meditation group. We had some of her paintings displayed in the room and had the slide show I made projected on the wall.

Watercolor by Noushin Sharif-Murphy - 1987



It was definitely a party, just like my mom asked for. We had tons of my mom's favorite foods like watermelon, tiramisu, and margaritas. We made sure it was a potluck event just like she wanted it to be. And we forced one of her employees to be in charge of the music. For some reason, that was the most important thing to her. She insisted over and over again that this employee be the dj. I'm no sure why. I don't think he has any experience as a dj. But she made me pinky promise that he would dj, and he did. Mostly importantly, there was lots of dancing. My mom LOVED to dance. Overall, I think it was a great party and I think my mom would have approved. She was pretty hard to please and she was so worried that we wouldn't do everything just like she asked. Well expect for throwing one day early, I think we did pretty good!


So as I said earlier, my mom's death didn't really hit me until yesterday. Until after the After Party. I spent the day very depressed and in tears. The phrase "I miss my mom" was playing over and over and over in my head. That's the worst day I've had so far.

Until August 20th, it just hadn't hit me. I knew my mom was dead, but I didn't really miss her yet. I still felt like she was here. Like things were still the same. I wanted to miss her. I wanted to cry. But the tears would never come out. The tears still have a hard time coming out. Sometimes I just with my eyes would cry already!


There's a song that was one of my mom's absolute favorites. It's in Farsi and it's by a singer named Dariush. She LOVED Dariush ever since she was in high school. She actually kept a poster of him on the back of her door in her office. This song in particular was her favorite. It's called Cheshme Man (My Eyes). Every time it came on, she would just stop talking and listen. I never really knew what it was about until a few months ago, my mom was listening to it and my aunt came in and said "Why are you letting her listen to this song? It's so sad!" Since then, every one of my mom's Iranian friends said "Don't let her listen to Dariush! He's too sad!"

Well turns out Cheshme Man is about a man who's brother has passed away. And he can't understand why his eyes aren't crying. He's begging to God to let his eyes cry. Sounds a lot like what I'm feeling right now.

 

 

These are the lyrics translated to English:

My Eyes

My eyes, please come help me,
My cheeks are dry, please do something,
Is there anything that can be done except crying?
We are hopeless, please weep
The one who is now gone will never come back
My heart wants to cry forever.
All the seas God has on earth with all the clouds in the sky
I wish he had given all of that to my eyes
So they could cry for me
The one who is now gone will never come back
My heart wants to cry forever.
The happy tales of my past
Has ended so fast like a dream
Now I must put my head on my knees and forever shed the tears of regret,
Nobody’s heart has as much sadness as mine
Nor nostalgia and sorrow like mine
Now that crying is the cure for my pain,
Why are my eyes lacking in tears.
They have stolen our bright sun
And drawn dark clouds underneath
Everywhere dark color of sadness
Our staying time is near its end
The one who is now gone will never come back
My heart wants to cry forever.
Destiny has gone blind and cannot see
The scar of its blade will stay in the heart
Sealed lips, chest stained with blood
That is the story of the one who stays behind

The one who is now gone will never come back
My heart wants to cry forever.



"Now that crying is the cure for my pain, why are my eyes lacking in tears?" That is the question I ask myself everyday. I know everyone grieves differently. But I feel sad, I just want my eyes to show it. I want the grief to begin.