Looking back, I can decidedly say that 2011 and 2012 tie as the worst years of my life (but I'm only 20 so I'm not counting out any terrible years in the future). Either way, the passed 2 years have not been wonderful. Don't get me wrong, I spent some beautiful moments with my mom this year that I will cherish forever. But I wouldn't say I've had much fun that past 2 years. Not much fun at all really.
I've been keeping an Emotions Diary for the past few months, and let me tell you, my level of happiness/fun (on a scale from 0-10) never gets above 2. That's not very much positive emotion. I honestly can't remember the last time I actually had a care-free, fun moment. It probably was over 2 years ago.
I remember New Years Eve 2011. I had just finished my first semester at the Theatre School at DePaul University in Chicago. I was home for the break and I went to a party at my friend's house that night. My mom helped me get ready for the party and she let me wear her dress from the 80s (complete with shoulder pads of course!) My friends and I spent the night eating delicious food and telling stories about our fresh college experiences.
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| Making a silly face on New Years Eve 2011 |
It's been a rough two years. It has not been fun. But I have learned a lot. I'm not exactly sure what I've learned, but I do feel like I've matured faster in the past two years than most 18-20 year old do. Which is kind of cool, but sometimes I feel like no one my age understands what I've been through and what I'm going through.
I didn't go to any party last New Years and I'm staying home tonight too. I just can't seem to let go and have fun anymore. I can't feel care-free anymore.
So here's to 2013. Here's so a new year, hopefully full of happy memories (just like my mom would want) and free of anxiety.
Happy New Year!!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about the fun part. Im 28 and the full time carer for my mum who has been battling a gbm for 2.5 years. Today, New Years Day, I had 4hrs respite, I only get 4 hours once a week, all I wanted to do was be alone and not talk to anyone. Walking around the shopping centre is as much fun as I ever get.
Im so glad 2012 is over (also grateful for the year I have had with my mum) but so so scared of 2013, I know what is going to happen.
Maybe you should go skydiving to get that excitement level up to a 4?
You might not think that anyone understands, but I read your blog because when you write, it is what is happening to me, the same emotions and frustrations. I understand you xx
Best Wishes for 2013.
Karlie
Happy New Year doll! 2013 will be great for all of us. I wish I had some cheerleading news for you - to tell you that this does get better, if only that it gets easier to handle. The pain doesn't go away; just easier to manage. It's taken me a while to say that-but trust me, it does. I'm so glad you're still keeping up on your blog!
ReplyDeleteNice dress dohktahree :) Looks just as nice on you as mommy when I was dating her those many years ago. 2013 will be a better year for us all and mommy will absolutely be there with all of us- laughing, crying, encouraging, loving, supporting, curious, teasing. Just remember, as the one lyric in the Mumford and Sons song Timshel goes, "And you are not alone in this. As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand."
ReplyDeleteLove, Daddy