Visiting Her Grave: Is This What Grief Is About?

I went to the cemetery the other day. That may not seem like a big deal, but I hadn't visited the cemetery in about 2 months. (It's a bit a drive from where I live.)

I've been feeling pretty depressed and alone lately. Not exactly sad, more like apathetic and empty. I thought that maybe I'd been avoiding feeling the sadness by avoiding the cemetery. So I thought going to visit her grave would bring out the sadness and help me feel a little more.

I guess you shouldn't make assumptions about how you'll feel about something before you do it, because boy was I wrong!

When I arrived at the cemetery, I just sat in the car for about 5 minutes. I felt scared and paralyzed. I didn't want to face it. I finally got the courage to get out of the car and I found that people had left a beautiful wreath and peocock feather on her grave. (We don't have a gravestone yet, but I thought this was still beautiful.)

But within 2 minutes, I rushed back to the car. I just sat there for a few minutes. I felt scared and alone.

Eventually I convinced myself to get out of the car and sit by her grave. But I didn't feel sadness. I felt panic and scared and alone. I'm not angry that she left me, like I've heard some people feel. All I wish with my whole heart that I could talk to her and again and she could respond. I know she wasn't able to respond well even before she died. But now that she's actually gone, it's really over.

It's hard because she doesn't really feel gone. I don't feel like my mom died and now I don't have a mom. I still feel her motherly presence in my life. But the effort to make her better is over. And while at first, it felt kind of relieving. I didn't have this constant weight of anxiety. Now I'm left with just a constant empty feeling. Oh and the anxiety hasn't gone away, it's just not directed at anything specific anymore.

So I sat there at her grave for about an hour. But I didn't feel like I was with her. I felt the same as if I were anywhere else.

I had flashbacks to the day of the funeral, but I have those flashbacks all the time. Being at the cemetery didn't make them stronger. It didn't bring up any emotions that I hadn't already been feeling.

So I guess I want in any sort of denial. I guess grief just isn't about feeling sad like I thought it was. It's about feeling alone and learning to cope with it.

You'd think that since it's been over 4 months since my mom died, that things would have gotten easier by now, but they're actually gotten harder. Right after she died, I felt strong and ready. I had mentally prepared myself for her death, with what it would be like to plan the funeral and her After Party. But now it's been 4 months and I don't feel nearly as strong as I did then. I feel weak and empty and I'm ready to have my Mommy back now. Please.