New School (Year), New Friends

I had only been in college for 11 weeks when I found out that my mom had brain cancer and I moved home. I only had one quarter of college under my belt. You can never choose the timing of a thing like your mom begin diagnosed with terminal cancer, but I have to say it was pretty bad timing for me. (I hope that didn't come off as being selfish)

All of my high school friends had left for college too. When I got back to my hometown, they weren't there. They were doing what I had been doing. They were building new lives for themselves. They were building new friendships. I don't blame them for that.

Well I spent one semester at a local (shitty) community college. I made one friend there. He quickly became my boyfriend. He essentially saved me. I was so incredibly lonely when I first moved back home from Chicago (I'm from/live in the San Francisco Bay Area). I had moved back home to be with my mom, but no one in my family seemed to appreciate or care that I had given up on my theater conservatory education. It seemed to me that my mom wanted to spend more time with her friends than with me. Let's just say, I got very extremely depressed. On top of dealing with my moms recent terminal illness diagnosis, I felt like I had nobody. I thank my boyfriend for helping through that time. He was the only person who paid any attention to me.

In the fall of 2011, I transferred to a 4-year college in the Bay Area, and that's where I go now. Mills College is an all-women's school. I never saw myself as someone who'd want to got o a school without boys. But do you know what it's like to be in an environment that if only women, where you feel so comforted and supported and encouraged. To not have any bitchy girls gossipping or creating bullshit drama.It's a place where everyone genuinely wants to help each other. As someone who's dealing with their mother's long illness and death, I certainly did not want to be in a place that was more about partying than education. Mills College is perfect for me at this stage in my life.

But while I say that, I have yet to make any close friends there. I've gone there one year, but I spent the whole year constantly anxious about how I should be home with my mom. I didn't join any sports or clubs because I wanted to spend my time with my mom. I turned down invitations to hang out and I didn't go to any school dances or gatherings. To some people I must have seemed like an outcast. But to the people I told about my mom, I hope the tried to understand what I was going through and understood that I just needed my space.

But now my mom's gone, and I feel like still the only person I have is my boyfriend. Not to say he isn't enough, but sometimes a girl wants other girl friends to talk to. And you'd think at an all-women's school I wouldn't have any difficulty making girl friends. Well that's my goal for this year.

Up until my mom got sick, I was the kind of person who was involved in tons of extracurriculars. And I've felt so empty not filling my time with tons of activities. I've felt like for the passed 18 months, all I've wanted to do is spend time with my mom. And do you know what that meant for about 13 months of that time before she got really ill? It meant sitting with her and feeling uncomfortable. Like "okay, we both know you're sick and are probably dying. Everyone keeps telling us I should make this time with my mom count. But what the hell does that mean? What should I be doing?" It was usually pretty awkward. I was so worried about making my time with her count, that I was too anxious to enjoy myself.

It feels weird to say it, but once my mom got really sick, around March 2012, I actually started enjoying our time together more. I felt useful. I could help her and take care of her. It felt good to do something in return for my mom who had taken care of me for the past 20 years.

Sorry, I got a little off track. But anyway, so I haven't really been able to make friends at school. And I'm hoping things will change this semester. Classes start in less than a week and I'm so so excited. I think keeping busy is the best way to keep me sane right now. If I'm bored, I get depressed.

The only thing I'm not really looking forward to is that I know people will ask me "How was your summer?" And what am I supposed to say to that? "Oh it kind of sucked actually." "Why? What happened?" "Oh, um, my mom died." How many times will I have to play through that conversation? Do I want to? One thing is for sure, I'm so grateful that I'm not in like 2nd grade when on the first day of school the teacher would always say "Okay let's go around the room and say one thing we'll always remember about this summer." That would be horrifying.