I hate my car

I hate my car. I hate it for many reasons that I won't waste your time with. But I just want to say that I would have never chosen this car for myself. I feel incredibly uncomfortable driving it.


Let me explain how I ended up with a car I hate.


When I moved back home after my mom's cancer diagnosis, my mom was obviously not well enough to drive. And since I did not have a car of my own, I started using hers to drive to school and work and such. A few months later, her doctor told her she was well enough to drive. So my mom came to me, demanding to have her car back. I told her that first of all, I know I'm no a doctor, but I really didn't think you should be driving. And secondly, what did she expect me to do? How did she expect me to get to work and school without a car? Her response was that I should take the bus, which, let me explain, would take about an hour and a half for me just to get to work. I refused. I knew she was tired of being dependent on other people to drive her around. But I believe that I needed the car more than her.


For about a month I had to deal with both my parents nagging me for the car back. (But I think my dad was only nagging me about it because he was tired of hearing my mom complain about it). But I kept refusing.


So after about a month of my mom nagging my dad about her wanting her "precious" car back (she absolutely ADORES this car), he decided that it would be best for everybody that I get my own car and my mom could have her car back.


I was thrilled! I would finally be getting a car that I actually felt comfortable driving and my mom would finally stop complaining! Though I still didn't think she should even be driving.


So my dad said he would go to the Honda dealership and buy me a basic used Honda Civic. I asked if I should go with him, but he said it wasn't necessary and that I could just pick it up later. That was fine by me and I thought everything would go alright.


But I was terribly wrong. I thought everything had gone fine until I received this text from my mom about 5 hours later:

"Hi Misha, I changed my mind. We're at the Honda dealer about to lease a new Honda for me. I hope you don't mind. I would rather let you keep the Volvo & let me drive this one."

I was so angry. You have no idea. I'm still angry. 


This is when I started realizing that my dad will give my mom whatever the hell she wants because she has cancer. I understand she has cancer and we should try to make her happy. But giving her EVERY LITTLE thing she wants, no matter how much it costs, or if she'll even remember she wanted it the next day, or what you had promised your daughter, does not seem right to me.

What I thought was going to happen that day, and what actually happened, were entirely opposite. My dad was supposed to buy me a cheap used Honda. And instead he leased a brand new Honda for my mom instead.

Not only did I not get a new car, but my dad leased the car. For 3 years. Seriously? Okay so now no one else is legally allowed to drive the car and we can't sell it. Which wouldn't be a terribly huge issue if my mom didn't have stage IV Brain Cancer.Would she even be alive to use it for the whole 3 years?

So what happened, you ask? Well her new found independence she had been longing for lasted about 2 weeks until her doctor suggested that she shouldn't be driving anymore. This of course pissed my mom off, so my dad still let her drive occasionally. Until she had a first seizure a few months later. She then finally decided on her own that she probably shouldn't be driving anymore. Thank goodness. I had been terrified every time I heard she was behind the wheel.

So now, this brand new Honda has been sitting in our garage or the past 6 months. It's barely been used. And we're still making monthly payments on it. It's it's not like we have the money. But that's a whole other issue.

But you know what bothered me most about the whole situation? Every single time my mom sees my car, she begins whining "Why do you get the cute car and I get the ungly one? I want my cute car back! It's so cute! And you don't appreciate it!"

I didn't want you fucking car! Gah. So much frustration.

And every time she says that, I just smile. That's all I can do.

My childhood friend (the daughter of the woman who's living at my parent's house now) visited  2 weeks ago. And while she was here, my dad told her she could drive the Honda. One day while she was here, she, my mom, my aunt, and I all went out to lunch and my friend drove the Honda. My friend was saying how much she loved the car and how she wish she could have one. And what does my mom say? She says "Well you should ask your mom for one!" Really? What do you think I did? And I didn't even want a new one!

I'm sorry for the ranting and the frustration. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

Today's my birthday.

Today's my birthday. I'm turning 20. And my only wish is that my parents would just recognize that what I've been going through since the cancer diagnosis has been difficult. That's it. Just a simple, "We know this has been hard on you, Misha." They have never once said that to me. Ever. Is it really that hard?

So I found out on Sunday that my childhood friend's mom has moved into my parent's house. (The same friend you join us at the Brain Tumor Walk last year. She's the one in the Blue shirt in the picture in the previous post). Well this news came as quite a surprise to me. My dad had mentioned to me abut a week before that my friend's mom had offered to move in to help with looking after my mom, but my dad didn't seem to keen on the idea, so I figured it wouldn't happen. A week later, I find out (from my sister of all people!) that my friend's mom had arrived last Wednesday. And nobody had bothered to tell me.

I've found that my parents do not keep me up to date on ANYTHING. And that my most reliable source of information about my own family is from my 15-year-old sister. I know that my mom's mind isn't working great and that my dad is very stressed out with everything, but sometimes I can't help but feel completely forgotten about.

I tried to bring the issue up with my dad, but he just got very defensive. He thought that I didn't want my friend's mom living at their house. I mean, honestly I think it would be more beneficial to have a trained professional looking after my mom, but I have nothing against her being there. I just can't believe that nobody told me. My friend knew, and she didn't even tell me! Everybody knew but me.

It's just so unbelieveably frustrating that the adults in my family cannot just tell me things. Why do they count on my sister to do it?

About 2 weeks ago, my dad and my aunt took my mom to UCSF because she wasn't feeling well. They left my sister home alone and told her to call me and tell me they were going to the hospital. My poor sister was terrified and alone. I had so many questions about my mom that of course my sister didn't know the answers to.

My mom had an MRI during her hospital visit and I kept pestering my dad to tell me the results and what the oncologist recommended after their doctor appointment. I pestered him to much that I figured he would tell me on his own when he found out. Well it's been almost 2 weeks, and I still have no idea what treatment my mom is currently doing, if any. I'm tired of pestering my dad to keep my updated. I know she's his wife, but she's my mom! And I would like to know what's going on with her health.

My sister's 15. She's in her own world. I asked her how much she knew about my mom's cancer, she didn't even know that the tumor was located in the right frontal lobe. I kind of wish she were older so I could talk to her about the questions I have. But all she's focused on are her friends and what's popular at school. It's hard to even have a conversation with her that doesn't involve her trying to get something out of me, like a ride to friend's house or to borrow my clothes.

So I just kind of feel alone in my family. I do a lot of my own research about clinical trials and such, but my dad doesn't want to talk to me about that stuff. I know he's probably doing it to protect me or what not. But I want to help! She's my mom!

When I first moved home after my mom got diagnosed, it wasn't long before my sister began non-stop pestering me about when I'm going to move out again so she can finally move into my bedroom. And what did my parents do? They too began asking me when I'm going to move into the dorms so my sister could have my room. It was so frustrating. I had just moved back home to be with my family, and now they wanted me out? I couldn't believe it. I felt so unappreciated. So I moved out early. About a month after I moved out, they told me I had to take all my stuff out of their house or else they were going to throw it all out. I pleaded with them to keep my childhood belongings in one of their two extra edrooms. But they wouldn't budge. I essentially felt kicked out of my own house after I had moved home to be with my family.

But through it all, I had always thought I had a place to sleep at my parent's house. (I've had to stop calling it "my house" after the threw out my stuff). That there was always my sister's old room if I ever moved back. If my mom's health suddenly began fading and I wanted to be back with her, I always had a room. But apparently I don't. Apparently they gave away that bedroom to my friend's mom and didn't even bother to tell me about it.

So now I really don't even feel welcome in my own, oh excuse me, in my parent's house. And I know I probably don't sound grateful for my family. But I left Chicago for them. I put them first, and I just feel pushed around or forgotten about. It's always either one or the other.

Today's my birthday and I received no present or cake from them (even though I was at their house 2 days ago). My parents didn't even bother to ask me if I had birthday plans until last night. I told them that I did, and what do they do? My parents, my sister, and my friend's mom all go out to a very fancy Persian restaurant without me (one of my favorites by the way) and are currently sending me pictures of all the delicious food they are eating without me. With captions like "Happy Birthday!" and "Missin' ya!" Really? Are you? Because that seems pretty bitchy to me. I try to forgive them by telling myself that one was from my sister, and she's always a bitchy teenager, and the other is from my mom, and cancer in the frontal lobe can affect a peron's personality. So I really shouldn't take it personally.

But trust me, it's hard not to.

So it doesn't look like I'll be getting my birthday wish. But I didn't really expect that I would.

The Week of Death

I've been dreading this weeks for months. I've been calling it the "week of death." It's only Sunday and I feel like it's already destroyed me. I'm just sitting here alone crying my eyes out, feeling totally defeated by all the stress.

You won, week, you won. I surrender.

As you can probably tell, this week is really stressful for me. Today is my siser's Persian Dance performce. Tuesday is a Perisna New Year Holiday. Wednesday I have an Anthropology midterm and a Psychology midterm. Thursday I have a Music History midterm and a Dance midterm. Did I mention that Thursday is also my birthday?

I'm just stressed about so much all the time. I really don't know if I can take it anymore. I've learned in my psychology class that chronic stress is the absolute worst kind of stress. The APA says "Chronic stress kills through suicide, violence, heart attack, stroke, and, perhaps, even cancer. People wear down to a final, fatal breakdown." But I don't know what to do about it.

On top of two Persian events before my four midterms, I have been worrying so much about money lately. I live in Oakland with my boyfriend to be closer to school, and my parents and sister like about 45 minutes away. And with the cost of gas these days, I really just can't afford to go home as often as I would like to see my family. Even with four midterms this week, I would love to be abe to go home and see my sister's dance and dye eggs with my mom (as is custom for the Persian New Year). But I don't think I can. And it kills me.

The stress is wearing me down. I'm constantly bitter and frustrated with everybody. I've shut down. I avoid talking to my family because I don't want to be reminded of the stress. But it's killing me.  And I don't know what to do. I've thought about going to see a psychologist, but I don't think I can afford it.

And to make thing worse. My dad has never once invited me back home to spend time with the family. I'm only ever called when they need me. They need me to pick up my sister. Or they want to pick up my mail and pay my bills. I never feel like they really appreciated or loved when I do come home. And it's hard. Because I love my mom, but I would like some sort of understanding from them. Even just a little "I know this is hard on you too." Never once have they said that. That would mean the whole world to me.

Team Rainbow - The Sequel

Hi!

I wanted to let everyone know that I'm going to be participating in the Bay Area Brain Tumor Walk in San Francisco on May 5th. It's sponsored by the National Brain Tumor Society. Check out the website.

Last year my family and I all walked together under than name "Team Rainbow". (The team name was chosen by my mom. Her logic was "Rainbows make me happy.")

My friend (in blue) and I made the team shirts. 

From left to right:

My aunt - a.k.a. "The Sister"
My friend - a.k.a. "Pseudo Daughter"
Me - a.k.a. "Daughter #1"
My dad - a.k.a. "The Husband"
My sister - a.k.a. "Daughter #2"
And finally, my mom a.k.a. "Supreme Commander" (She chose that name for herself.)

The walk was 5K and I was so impressed and proud of my mom for completeing the ENTIRE walk!

This year, I'm hoping she can do the same, but I don't think she will be able to. Her balance is deteriorating.

We asked my mom what she would like the team to be called this year, and she insisted on "Team Rainbow - The Sequel."

So if your in the SF Bay Area on May 5th, please join me and my mom at the Brain Tumor Walk!

You can donate directly to "Team Rainbow - The Sequel" at http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/goto/mishamurphy