I've been dreading this weeks for months. I've been calling it the "week of death." It's only Sunday and I feel like it's already destroyed me. I'm just sitting here alone crying my eyes out, feeling totally defeated by all the stress.
You won, week, you won. I surrender.
As you can probably tell, this week is really stressful for me. Today is my siser's Persian Dance performce. Tuesday is a Perisna New Year Holiday. Wednesday I have an Anthropology midterm and a Psychology midterm. Thursday I have a Music History midterm and a Dance midterm. Did I mention that Thursday is also my birthday?
I'm just stressed about so much all the time. I really don't know if I can take it anymore. I've learned in my psychology class that chronic stress is the absolute worst kind of stress. The APA says "Chronic stress kills through suicide, violence, heart attack, stroke,
and, perhaps, even cancer. People wear down to a final, fatal breakdown." But I don't know what to do about it.
On top of two Persian events before my four midterms, I have been worrying so much about money lately. I live in Oakland with my boyfriend to be closer to school, and my parents and sister like about 45 minutes away. And with the cost of gas these days, I really just can't afford to go home as often as I would like to see my family. Even with four midterms this week, I would love to be abe to go home and see my sister's dance and dye eggs with my mom (as is custom for the Persian New Year). But I don't think I can. And it kills me.
The stress is wearing me down. I'm constantly bitter and frustrated with everybody. I've shut down. I avoid talking to my family because I don't want to be reminded of the stress. But it's killing me. And I don't know what to do. I've thought about going to see a psychologist, but I don't think I can afford it.
And to make thing worse. My dad has never once invited me back home to spend time with the family. I'm only ever called when they need me. They need me to pick up my sister. Or they want to pick up my mail and pay my bills. I never feel like they really appreciated or loved when I do come home. And it's hard. Because I love my mom, but I would like some sort of understanding from them. Even just a little "I know this is hard on you too." Never once have they said that. That would mean the whole world to me.
Hi Misha,
ReplyDeleteMe and my family have been corresponding with your dad the past few months, he got in touch after finding out my brother Niko has been on the same clinical trial with your mom - Toca511. I love your blog and how pro-active you are at expressing yourself and creating an online support network. My family write on anticancer.tumblr.com about Niko's journey.
Have you thought about asking for donations from your friends and community? We have been blessed with some very generous friends. Even if each person just gives $10, it adds up to quite a lot. We just put a paypal button on the blog home page and ask people when we are financially strained to give what they can. It has been a big help to us, especially for travel costs!
I know how difficult it can be to feel on the periphery, but I am sure your family are so glad you are nearby and there when they need you. Good luck with your midterms too- I bet you ace them. It's amazing what stores of energy our bodies have when they need to! Keep up the good fight.
All the best
Eleni
Thank you for your support with my blog :)
DeleteAnd thanks for the idea about the donations! I think I'll try that.