Today's my birthday.

Today's my birthday. I'm turning 20. And my only wish is that my parents would just recognize that what I've been going through since the cancer diagnosis has been difficult. That's it. Just a simple, "We know this has been hard on you, Misha." They have never once said that to me. Ever. Is it really that hard?

So I found out on Sunday that my childhood friend's mom has moved into my parent's house. (The same friend you join us at the Brain Tumor Walk last year. She's the one in the Blue shirt in the picture in the previous post). Well this news came as quite a surprise to me. My dad had mentioned to me abut a week before that my friend's mom had offered to move in to help with looking after my mom, but my dad didn't seem to keen on the idea, so I figured it wouldn't happen. A week later, I find out (from my sister of all people!) that my friend's mom had arrived last Wednesday. And nobody had bothered to tell me.

I've found that my parents do not keep me up to date on ANYTHING. And that my most reliable source of information about my own family is from my 15-year-old sister. I know that my mom's mind isn't working great and that my dad is very stressed out with everything, but sometimes I can't help but feel completely forgotten about.

I tried to bring the issue up with my dad, but he just got very defensive. He thought that I didn't want my friend's mom living at their house. I mean, honestly I think it would be more beneficial to have a trained professional looking after my mom, but I have nothing against her being there. I just can't believe that nobody told me. My friend knew, and she didn't even tell me! Everybody knew but me.

It's just so unbelieveably frustrating that the adults in my family cannot just tell me things. Why do they count on my sister to do it?

About 2 weeks ago, my dad and my aunt took my mom to UCSF because she wasn't feeling well. They left my sister home alone and told her to call me and tell me they were going to the hospital. My poor sister was terrified and alone. I had so many questions about my mom that of course my sister didn't know the answers to.

My mom had an MRI during her hospital visit and I kept pestering my dad to tell me the results and what the oncologist recommended after their doctor appointment. I pestered him to much that I figured he would tell me on his own when he found out. Well it's been almost 2 weeks, and I still have no idea what treatment my mom is currently doing, if any. I'm tired of pestering my dad to keep my updated. I know she's his wife, but she's my mom! And I would like to know what's going on with her health.

My sister's 15. She's in her own world. I asked her how much she knew about my mom's cancer, she didn't even know that the tumor was located in the right frontal lobe. I kind of wish she were older so I could talk to her about the questions I have. But all she's focused on are her friends and what's popular at school. It's hard to even have a conversation with her that doesn't involve her trying to get something out of me, like a ride to friend's house or to borrow my clothes.

So I just kind of feel alone in my family. I do a lot of my own research about clinical trials and such, but my dad doesn't want to talk to me about that stuff. I know he's probably doing it to protect me or what not. But I want to help! She's my mom!

When I first moved home after my mom got diagnosed, it wasn't long before my sister began non-stop pestering me about when I'm going to move out again so she can finally move into my bedroom. And what did my parents do? They too began asking me when I'm going to move into the dorms so my sister could have my room. It was so frustrating. I had just moved back home to be with my family, and now they wanted me out? I couldn't believe it. I felt so unappreciated. So I moved out early. About a month after I moved out, they told me I had to take all my stuff out of their house or else they were going to throw it all out. I pleaded with them to keep my childhood belongings in one of their two extra edrooms. But they wouldn't budge. I essentially felt kicked out of my own house after I had moved home to be with my family.

But through it all, I had always thought I had a place to sleep at my parent's house. (I've had to stop calling it "my house" after the threw out my stuff). That there was always my sister's old room if I ever moved back. If my mom's health suddenly began fading and I wanted to be back with her, I always had a room. But apparently I don't. Apparently they gave away that bedroom to my friend's mom and didn't even bother to tell me about it.

So now I really don't even feel welcome in my own, oh excuse me, in my parent's house. And I know I probably don't sound grateful for my family. But I left Chicago for them. I put them first, and I just feel pushed around or forgotten about. It's always either one or the other.

Today's my birthday and I received no present or cake from them (even though I was at their house 2 days ago). My parents didn't even bother to ask me if I had birthday plans until last night. I told them that I did, and what do they do? My parents, my sister, and my friend's mom all go out to a very fancy Persian restaurant without me (one of my favorites by the way) and are currently sending me pictures of all the delicious food they are eating without me. With captions like "Happy Birthday!" and "Missin' ya!" Really? Are you? Because that seems pretty bitchy to me. I try to forgive them by telling myself that one was from my sister, and she's always a bitchy teenager, and the other is from my mom, and cancer in the frontal lobe can affect a peron's personality. So I really shouldn't take it personally.

But trust me, it's hard not to.

So it doesn't look like I'll be getting my birthday wish. But I didn't really expect that I would.