Analysis
of Two Corresponding Major Life Events
I
am currently going through the most stressful times of my life. This is not
because I’m a full-time college student at a challenging school majoring in
Psychology and double minoring in Mathematics and Ethnic Studies. This is the
most stressful period of my life because my mom died less than three months
ago.
Since
her brain cancer diagnosis in January of 2011, I have been felt the weight of
chronic stress. Not only has the death of my mother been a major life event,
but so was her initial diagnosis. The Social Readjustment Rating Scale rates
“major change in health or behavior of a family member” as #11, whereas “death
of a close family member” is ranked #5. I’ve experienced
both in less than two years.
However,
I would rank what I’ve been through higher than #5. For a daughter to lose her mom at the young
age of 20 is especially stressful. It has required me to greatly readjust my
life. Based on the stress I’ve felt over the last 21 months, I believe my event
of losing a parent after a difficult battle with a terminal illness should be
ranked #1 on the Social Readjustment Rating Scale, tied with “death of spouse”. However, I’ve never been married so I cannot even begin
to imagine what losing a spouse feels like for my dad and others like him.
My
mom’s initial diagnosis was extremely unexpected; it had very low
predictability. I was at home with my mom for 6
weeks during winter break prior to the diagnosis. Only one week after I returned
to school, I got the phone call that my mom was in the hospital for a brain
tumor. She had none of the normal symptoms of a brain tumor like a seizure or
prolonged headaches.
As
you can imagine, I had very little control during this entire experience. The
18 months from the diagnosis to her death seemed to revolve entirely around
her. Even when I researched clinical trials that could possibly slow down the
cancer cells, my opinion was not respected. I wanted so badly for my mom to
beat this cancer, but I felt like my efforts to help her were ignored. The only
decision I had control over was whether or not to move back home from school. I
was attending a college 2,000 away from home and during the frantic period
right after the diagnosis, I made the decision to leave the college I was
attending and find a school closer to home.
I
also categorize my experience with my mom’s initial diagnosis of stage four
brain cancer as a novel experience for me. I had never even known anyone with
stage four cancer. Finding out that my own mom had advanced cancer was unlike
anything I had ever coped with before.
Following
the Transactional Model of Stress, my primary appraisal of my mom’s diagnosis
was obviously negative. The event was both a harm
and a threat. As a harm, my mom’s diagnosis uprooted my college experience. I
was no longer living 2,000 miles away from home. I could no longer hang out
with friends. I was always working, studying, or spending valuable time with my
mom. As a threat, my mom’s diagnosis threatened her life, and as a result it
threatened our family life.
My
secondary appraisal during this first event was that I was not prepared. I did
not have many internal coping strategies ready for an event like this and my external
resources at the time were minimal.
After
an 18 month battle with brain cancer, my mom died this past July. This event
felt very different than the initial diagnosis a year and a half earlier. But
in fact the only difference was that it was expected and not a surprise. I had predicted
that she was going to die relatively soon. I had been telling myself for months
that my mom was probably going to die. I didn’t want to give myself false hope
and then feel shocked all over again, like I was with the diagnosis. However,
the anticipation of her death for months before it actually happened was also
very stressful. I wanted to prepare myself in the best way I could, but I
didn’t know how. I felt like I didn’t have any control.
In
fact, I felt like I had even less control than when she was first diagnosed
because I could no longer search for clinical trials and treatment options that
might fix the situation. In order to maintain some sense of control, I took on
the responsibility of planning things like the obituary and the funeral. This
helped me feel a sense of control and purpose.
My
mom’s death was also a novel experience for me. I had never seen a dead body
before. I had never experienced a death of a close family member before either.
My
primary appraisal was also obviously negative. I viewed it as a harm, like the
original diagnosis. But instead of also viewing her death as a threat, this
time I also viewed it as a challenge. I lost my mom.
That is a harm I will have to cope with for the rest of my life. But the challenge
is the important part, the challenge of incorporating this entire experience
into my life perspective and honoring my mother’s life in the process.
This
is part of my secondary appraisal. Since my mom’s diagnosis, I have developed a
strength that I did not know I was capable of. This is my new internal
resource. I feel prepared and I can use this newly developed strength to cope
with any future stressor. Another part of my secondary appraisal is my new
external resources. Over the 18 months of her battle with brain cancer, I met
many people who were experiencing or had experienced very similar situations to
the one I am in. I am able to talk with them and get the perspective on how to
handle difference situations and emotions.
However,
I am also going through a difficult grief process. The sadness and sense of
loss I feel presents itself in the form of stress. I am much more easily
stressed over daily hassles. Studying for a test sometimes feels like an
impossible task. This is because stressors are additive. A daily task of studying for a class on top of the stress of losing my mom
makes me reach overload and exhaustion very quickly. I
feel exhausted a lot. I have felt exhausted many times for the past year, just
as Hans Selye predicted in his model of the General Adaptation Syndrome. I hope in time, as I find a way to cope with my
mother’s death, I will no longer feel mentally exhausted as often as I do now.
I will overcome this major stressor in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment