The Reset Button

When you start college, you're starting your life as an adult. No more living with your parents. You finally get to be independent.

Then, in my case, you find out your mom has terminal cancer. And everything changes.

You decide to move back home. Back to living with you parents. No more independence.

I've found that recently I've been thinking about my own life in terms of either "before the cancer" or "since the cancer." A parent's cancer diagnosis can really change things. It changed my whole life, where I was living, where I was going to school, and my perspective on my life.

I had moved 2,000 miles away from home to study in Chicago for college. I was so excited to be living in a big city and to begin creating a life for myself. I planned to spend the next four years of my life in Chicago. I was beginning a new chapter in my life.

So when I decided to move back home, but felt very lonely and isolated. I had no friends at home for support. They had all gone off to college too. I felt so alone, but I couldn't blame them. They were off at college, figuring out their own lives. I understood.

I had spent months of my life in high school applying to colleges and stressing over which college to choose, weighing the pros and cons. It was a decision that required a lot of thought and time.

But then everything changed in an instant and I had to reset my entire life. No more Chicago. I had to find a new college. I spent one semester at the local community college while I figured out what college to transfer to.

I began looking for colleges that were in the San Francisco Bay Area to stay close to my mom. Unfortunately, none of the colleges really thrilled me. I began to get depressed and frustrated that I had given up a school I loved and couldn't find anything I liked at home.

Through all of the stress with my mom, I ended up in a place where I never expected myself to be, emotionally and physically.

That was probably the hardest part to admit to myself. I was looking for a college that was similar to the one I had left. And I was getting frustrated because none of them felt right. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was in a different emotional place, and that going to a big, exciting school in a big city would not be good for me.

So I decided on Mills College, a very small, all-women's school. It's a very supportive and comforting place, exactly what I need right now.

I'm not living a carefree, exciting college life in a big city. I'm living close to home and going to school at a tiny all-girls school. And although I certainly wouldn't have chosen this for myself before the diagnosis, it feels right for this time in my life. I'm in a new situation that I never expected myself to be in, and I'm just doing what I can to make the best of it.