Saturday, April 27, 2013

Still Waiting for the Grief

Today, my dad sent me of picture of my mom's finished gravestone (it only took nine months to finish it!) and it's made me miss her a lot.

I mean, I miss her everyday, but some days are harder than others.

I grateful though, I haven't gone through a difficult grief process. Most of the time I don't really think about it. I mean, I think about my mom all the time. And I think about how she's not here any more. But what I don't think about it the sense of loss. That's the tough stuff. And I guess I'm avoiding it.

Maybe it was because I thought about it so much while she was sick. Everyday I said to myself, "My mom's going to die pretty soon. I need to be prepared."

And then after she died, I expected to feel deep sadness. I even pretended to be deeply saddened because I knew it was expected of me, but I didn't feel sad. I don't know. I mean, of course I felt sad. I wasn't happy that my mom died. But mostly I just felt numb.

But I'm not in denial, so that can't be it. I know she's dead. And I knew she was going to die for awhile before it happened. But it's been nine months since she died and I still can't get past this numb feeling.

But I guess this numbness didn't start when she died, it started when she was diagnosed. That's when my life didn't feel like my life anymore. So I guess this whole experience has felt like a dream and I just keep waiting to wake up. I'll wake up in bed in my old room and my mom will be in her bedroom and I'll say good morning to her and things would be normal again.

But that's not reality anymore. That was three years ago for goodness sakes! And yet, the reality I've been living for the past three years still doesn't feel real. Every day feels like a dream.

When will the grief set in? I've spent hours researching grief. I even wrote a research paper on grief in college students. And yet I'm still waiting. Waiting for my life to feel real again.

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