Two years ago, I was preparing to attend DePaul University. I was preparing both physically and mentally. I was packing everything that I needed (but mostly just wanted) to take with me to college. Mentally, I was getting ready to move away from home. I was leaving my home of 15 years to go to a school that was over 2,000 miles away. Perhaps I wanted to go so far away, even though my mom wanted me to stay in state, because my mom moved far away when she went to college too. But she moved much farther than I did. She moved from Tehran, Iran to San Francisco. And also unlike my mom's transition to college (she traveled by herself to the US), I asked my mom to come with me to Chicago to help me move in and get settled.
Looking back on it, the two weeks before college started were a very close time for me and my mom. The week I was supposed to leave for Chicago, I somehow got shingles. I know all the doctors and commercials say it's a disease that only affects old people. But I got it. And it was painful. And on top of the shingles, I also had the stomach flu! That was a horribly painful and uncomfortable week for me. Sleeping was almost impossible. But I quickly figured out that my parent's mattress was much more comfortable than mine. Laying their bed was the only chance of sleep I was going to get. So I convinced my dad to spend the nights in my room so I could sleep in his bed. For the next week, my mom and I laid in her bed and chatted before falling asleep. (Though most of the time she wanted me to stop talking so she could get some rest!) That's a memory I'll never forget.
As I started feeling better, my mom and I got ready to leave for Chicago. She helped me pack everything up. We headed to Illinois, but instead of staying in Chicago, we drove to the suburbs where one of my old friends from preschool (yes, you read that correctly) lives. She had actually already left for college when my mom and I got there, so we slept in her bedroom. She had a very comfy queen-size bed that my mom and I shared for a few days while my friend's mom took us out shopping for dorm stuff. (this is the same friend's mom who staying with us right now)
After a few days in the suburbs, it was time to move into the dorms. My mom and I drove into Chicago and started moving everything into my dorm room. My roommate wouldn't be moving in for a few days, so my mom decided to spend two nights with me in my dorm.
At the time, I remember thinking "Okay... When is she going to leave? I'm in college now." It kind of felt like she was one of those mom's who stuck around at their kid's preschool to make sure everything was okay. I remember feeling so free when she finally left.
I tell this story because I feel like it really relates to what my mom's doing now. My mom and I spent a week together in Illinois as a transition. She wanted my transition to college life to be a smooth one. Perhaps because hers was not smooth at all. (On her way to San Francisco from Iran, she had to change planes in New York. There, some stupid airlines person told her that her connecting flight was not at JFK airport, but at LaGuardia airport. My mom rushed to LaGuardia only to realize that the airlines person was very wrong. She missed her flight and had to spend the night at JFK airport, sleeping in an empty gate. That was my mom's 'Welcome to America!' Did I mention she was only 18 years old? She's so incredible.)
So here we are. My mom has been in this coma-like state for ten days. Just wrap your mind around that. She has not had anything to eat or drink in 10 whole days. But she's still breathing. Not as steadily as a few days ago, but still breathing. I always knew my mom was courageous and brave and certainly hard-headed, but I had no idea that she was this strong! I don't think I could possibly last more than 3 days without food or water, even without brain cancer!
So I have this idea that my mom trying to make a smooth transition for us, just like she did when she was taking me to Chicago. She didn't want to be awake one day, drawing and eating with friends, and to be gone the next day. She's been asleep for 10 days. At first I was a complete mess, sobbing when I was alone with my mom. I was kind of angry at my dad for telling her that it was okay for her to die. But now it's been 10 days, and I'm not sure how much longer I can just sit in this house waiting for my mom to die. Everyone who's been coming to visit are always to sad and it almost feels like this is the house of death. I try desperately to lighten the mood. I joke with my mom. But everyone else doesn't seem to think that's appropriate.
In a way, this smooth transition thing has kind of worked. I feel more prepared for her death. Now that I've had 10 days to get used to her not being awake to react to what I'm saying or to take care of her (like making sure she cuts her food into small bites). There's not doubt that I'm going to miss her and that I'm going to grieve her death. But I'm seeing this long coma as a way of he preparing us for her departure. She wants us to have a smooth transition.
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