Now Death Is Really Near

Sorry is this post doesn't seem very coherent. My thoughts are jumping all over the place.

On Wednesday, five of my mom's high school friends from Iran came to visit her. They weren't all supposed to come on the same day, but it worked out that they each traveled from different parts of the US and arrived at our house all within an hour of each other. Soon our house was filled with what I call "The Noisy Persians". Their chatter woke my mom up from her nap and we could tell that she wanted to be with her friends. So we got her out of bed and into a wheelchair. Though she didn't say anything, I knew she was happy to see them.

We all spent several hours having a good time. I found my mom's old vinyl records from Iran and she and her friends reminisced about the songs being played at their school dances. I also pulled out the lego set that I had bought for her that morning (Thank you to Tashi from Learning To Hope for giving me the idea). I think she had fun with the legos:

She had been eating throughout the day with relative ease. Sometimes you just had to remind her that there was food next to her, and then she would reach for it. She ate a whole plate of watermelon (her absolute favorite thing to eat) and then reached for the plate of cookies with the same fork. She knocked a few of the cookies off the table that way, but it was nice to see that she wanted to eat. That was in the afternoon. By the evening she was having a little more trouble. She didn't seem to want to eat her dinner. The only think she was interested in was watermelon. But she would bring the fork with watermelon up to her mouth and just pushed it against her lips. It was as if she was trying to get the watermelon into her mouth, but she couldn't remember that you have to open your mouth first.

We all just figured she was really tired. She had had an extra short nap that day because her friends got here. So we put her to bed and let her sleep.

But she hasn't woken up. That was on Wednesday and that was the last day I saw my mom eat. It was the last day I saw my mom's eyes open.

It's now Monday and each day things seem to be getting worse and worse. At first she could definitely still hear us. I would ask, "If you can hear me, squeeze my hand." And she would! But then that stopped. Then she would occasionally tense up her shoulder. I told it was because she could hear me, but the nurse seemed to think it was a sign of distress or pain. Well now her right side is just as limp as her left side has been for so many weeks.

I'm sitting in my parents' bed right now. My mom's in the hospital bed next to me. She seems to be sleeping peacefully. I know everyone says that hearing is your that sense to go, so everyone's been talking to her. I try to be funny when I can because I'm sure she's tired of this depressing stuff. I told her "You know Mommy, you stopped eating on the first day of Ramadan. I know your secret. I know you're just doing an excellent job at fasting. No hiding the truth from me!" My dad doesn't seem to think that's appropriate, but think it's better than what he does - just crying everytime he looks at her.

Her body seems to be slowly letting go. My sister was removing my mom's nail polish to do a different color when she noticed that her nails are turning dark brownish blue. Also, my mom's body isn't swollen anymore. You can actually see her veins and joints now. My sister also noticed that the whites of my mom's eyes are turning yellow. And now this morning, her face looks really really pale. We all know what these signs mean. We all know that they're pointing to death nearing.

Most of the time I feel like I can't think about it. But what seems like the most random times, I just begin to sob. I need my mom.

I found an email my mom sent to me last year. It's dated November 10, 2011.

My dear lovely Misha daughter,

I got off the phone with you last night saddened by your grief about my situation. Then it came to me that there is no such thing as death, there is no such thing as dyingJ! Remember Richard Bach’s book called “There's no such place as far away”? As long as you have me in your heart, I will never be far away. I will never die because I will live in you. We have had 19 very nice years together and I am thankful for having you with me all along. I am glad I got to hold an active role in your life and I am glad that you were receptive to my input. You are my lovely dokhtary (daughter in Farsi) and always will be. Don’t fear that because you can’t see me and talk to me that I will be gone for good. Death does not separate us from our loved ones, it only brings us closer. Trust that I will always be with you and I will. Remember that you will forever be surrounded by love…

My unconditional love to you,

Mommy

My mom has always loved Richard Bach. He's an author. I think my mom owns everything single one of his books. She keeps them all in her nightstand right next her bed. She was always reading at least one of his books. I think she must have reread some of those books at least 20 times. The book There's No Such Place As Far Away is a short book. It's written like it's a children's book.

It's about an unnamed person who's on their way to their friend's birthday party. The concepts of growing up and birthday parties and traveling long distances are all questioned in this book. My mom and I read this book several times together. The end has always been my favorite part. It ends with:

You have no birthday because you have always lived.You were never born, and you will never die. You are not the child of the people you call mother and father, but their fellow adventurer on a bright journey to understand that things that are. Fly free and happy beyond forever, and we'll meet now and then when we wish, in the midst of the one celebration that can never end.

I think this quote captures my mom so perfectly and everything she's always believed in. This is my mom.

I know I'm going to miss her, but I know she'll always be with me. I just know she will.


I want to thank everyone who's been thinking about me and my mom. It's really help me feel supported. And I tell my mom that she has people she doesn't even know praying for her. I really want to thank Rochelle Bugg for writing such a wonderful post dedicated to me mom. (http://thisisabuggslife.wordpress.com/2012/07/22/reflected-grief/) It means so much to me.

I'm just trying to spend as much time as I can with my mom. I talk to her and play her music.

My dad talked to the nurse yesterday, and she said that my mom would probably die within 72 hours. It's not what I want to hear, but it's what I expected.

I've been so anxious the past few days. I've been so nauseous. I haven't really been able to eat anything. I get especially anxious when I'm alone with my mom. I hate the feeling so much.

It's kind of weird, but focusing on planning the funeral really helps me. I feel like it's the only thing we have any control over. And it helps me not feel so helpless.

My sister still hasn't cried, but I think everyone's glad that she didn't go to camp.


Again, sorry for the jumbled post. Welcome to my mind right now.