Dear Mother's Day

Dear Mother's Day,

I think you are a stupid holiday.

My mom has cancer. She's dying. Not a day goes by where I don't think about her: how much I'm worried about her, how much I love her, how terrified I am about what it's going to be like when she's gone.

But even if we miraculously find a cure for her cancer and physically she gets better, things still won't be okay. Even if she can get the strength to walk again. Even if her balance improves so she can walk without toppling over. Even if she can finally stop taking those medications that make her gain so much of weight. Things still won't be okay.

I don't think there's a miracle powerful enough in the world that could reverse what the cancer has done to her brain.

It's in her frontal lobe, the part of the brain that controls personality, decision-making, and cognition. So you can imagine what's the cancer done to her. Well, maybe you can't. You see, Mother's Day, most of the time it seems like she has the cognition level of a 5 year old. You know the part of the brain that developes as you get older and smarter and wiser? Well, that's the part of the brain she's losing. Parts of it are just gone.

It takes her several seconds to conprehend what you've said to her and then develope a response. A lot of the time she will repeat the exact thing you said to her, and you can't watch it in her eyes. You can watch the exact moment that she understands what you said to her.

She also cannot not seem to follow directions very well. I don't know if this is a personality issue where she's become defiant. Or if she can't comprehend the directions. She seems to just want to do things her way. She also throws fits when she doesn't get her way. When she could walk, we would take her to the grocery store, and if she didn't get her ice cream, she would throw a fucking fit like she was 2 years old.

So Mother's Day, even if we could find a drug of treatment that could cure her physically, this cancer has destroy her so much neurologically, that I don't think she'd ever be able to fully recover. The mom that raised me is gone is mentally gone. And I've watched her slip away.

So Mother's Day, fuck you.

I just want my mom back.


PS - Oh and tell Cancer, fuck him too.