What Really Hurts Me The Most

My family and me at my high school graduation in 2010 - six months before the diagnosis.

Like most people, I didn't grow up in the best of families. Not to say it was a terrible experience, bust not wonderful, you know?

It's me, my mom, my dad, and my younger sister. And the only other person I've ever been close to is my mom. My sister and I have just fought constantly our entire lives. And my dad, well he's the quintessential emotionally distant dad.

My mom's the only person I really felt comfortable talking to about important stuff, or at all really. Having an actual conversation with either my dad or my sister has always been difficult.

But then the cancer diagnosis happened, and you'd think it would have brought us together. But in fact, the exact opposite happened. The exact opposite.

This cancer has torn my family apart. Partly because of the stress it has caused everyone. My dad has told me he doesn't have the energy to really pay attention to my sister anymore. Which makes me particularly worried because she's just started high school and we all know what happens to girls in high school who have parents who don't pay attention to them.

My sister has drawn away. She plays three sports and is constantly not home. Either at a practice, or game, or tournament, or at a friend's house doing god knows what.

And on top of everything, my mom really was the glue that was holding our family together. She worked so incredibly hard to keep our family together over the years. I mean she constantly begged for my sister and I to get along. So much so that it even brought her to tears a few times to see us fighting. I wish so much I hadn't caused her that pain. And while my sister and I get along decently know, we barely even talk or see each other. Maybe one a week at most.

When I was little, my dad was never home. He was always working. By the time I started middle school, my mom had convinced him to spend more time getting involved with my sister and I. And he did.

My parents are also the kind of couple who probably shouldn't have gotten married. They never fought in front of me or anything, but they just didn't seem to get along. They're just two very different people. And I know my mom has worked very hard throughout their relationship to make things work better.

She really has worked her ass off to create a stable family environment (even though she's told me on several occasions that she never really wanted to be the mom type). I'm really proud of her. And I hate it so much that this cancer has essentially destroyed everything she has worked for. Everything is falling apart without her. I honestly don't know what's going to happen to my family when my mom's gone. She has always been the glue.

I remember when I first flew home from Chicago. All I knew at that point was that they had found a tumor, but I didn't know if it was malignant or not. I got to the hospital, and after spending some time with my mom, my dad took my sister and I outside. He told us that the tumor was malignant. It was cancerous. He told me that the 3-year survival rate was only 5%. That would probably only have 1 to 2 years left with our mom.

After the initial crying spell, I looked up and thought, "This is going to be my new family in a few years. It's just going to be the three of us."

I hate it so much that things have just gotten worse with my family has my mom's health has gotten worse.

But what I hate most, is that my mom has to watch our family fall apart. She will die knowing that our family is in shambles without her. That's what really hurts me the most.