My friend's mom (the one who was staying at my parent's house) talked to me the other day when I was at the hospital. It was the strangest thing. She actually wanted to know how I was doing. she wanted to know what was going on in my life and I was coping with everything.
It felt so weird, because no one in my family has really done that. I feel so forgotten about most of the time. I mean, not exactly forgotten about. I mean my parents still remember me. But they don't ask how I'm doing. They don't take into consideration how hard this has been on me at all. To my family, I am only here to do things for them.
It's partially why I moved in the first place. I felt like my feelings were being totally ignored.
I mean, I dropped out of a theater conservatory in Chicago to move back home to be with my mom. And no one thought anything of it.
So talking to my friend's mom felt very strange, but actually very nice too. One thing she told me was, "Your dad knows how to do two things: take care of your mom, and get angry. That's it." And it's true. My dad has almost totally forgotten how to be a dad.
And I've watched my mom try to desperately to hold on to her motherhood. She tries to discipline my sister (who's a freshman in high school). But my sister being my sister, of course she breaks the rules, she always has. But now it's harder on my mom. She actually decided the only control she really has over disciplining my sister now is to prohibit my sister from visiting her. We quickly told her that was an absolutely terrible idea. Because it would be punishing my mom just as much as it would be punishing my sister.
But it's so hard to watch and experience. My sister and I essentially don't have parents anymore. They just want me to always be at their beck and call, without any consideration to my life. And it seems they really don't care what my sister is doing with her life one bit. As my friend's mom said to me, "Your parents have always let your sister get away with anything. She has very little expectations placed on her. But they have plenty of expectations of you."
All they see is the negative, especially with my sister. You now, she's actually started doing better in school since our mom got sick. And my parents don't seem to care at all. I keep having to remind my mom that my sister is a good kid. She doesn't seem to think so.
My parents have always been the kind of parents that are difficult to please. But now they have become people that are absolutely impossible to please. I feel like I'm just constantly disappointing them.
The other day I told my mom that I love her. And her response? "Do you love me enough to dump your boyfriend?" I honestly didn't know what to say to that. What I wanted to tell her was, "I'm not going to break up with him because he's the only person who pays attention to me and thinks about what's best for me."
I know I can blame my mom's lack of ability to empathize on the cancer, but the honest truth is it's not the cancer's fault. She's always been like this. She has never been able to easily empathize with people. I mean, she always tired, but it was always obvious that it was difficult for her. (After taking my psychology class this semester, I've come to the conclusion that my mom has always had some narcissistic tendencies.)
And now with the cancer, I'm actually surprised how much of her personality has stayed intact, especially since the tumor originated in the frontal lobe. The major difference I've noticed is that she has absolutely no filter anymore. She will tell you exactly what she's thinking, even if it's horribly inappropriate.
But it's not just my mom that can't feel empathy for others. My dad has no ability to empathize either. He gets so unbelievably frustrated with my mom when she can't do simple tasks. Like if he asks her a question and she doesn't respond immediately, he'll ask it three more times. Or if he tells her to move her left leg and she can't do it. I can't believe that he would be mad at her over such things, but her does. He gets frustrated and scolds her. It's so difficult to watch.
My mom's actually told me a few times that she scared of my mom. Now I know from personal experience that he can be quite intimating when he's mad. But to hear my mom say that she's scared of my dad is just heart-breaking. Shes in enough physical pain. She should have to deal with that too.
The other day at the hospital, my dad got frustrated because he asked her a questions while she was eating and she just kept on eating. He stormed out of the room. I gave her a kiss and told her she didn't do anything wrong and that I knew she was doing the best she can. She teared up and said, "That means a lot to me."
That might be the most difficult thing to watch out of everything. She's trying to hard, and my dad just gets frustrated with her. And it hurts her so much.
Huh. Ironic, that's the way I feel about my dad too. Goodness, that man is impossible to please!
No comments:
Post a Comment