April 12th is the day that registration
opens for returning students at my college. It’s the day I’m
supposed to register for classes for Fall semester. I’m usually
really excited about registering for classes. I like looking through
all my class options and figuring out my schedule.
But this time, my excitement is
dampened by my mom’s health.
I’m no expert, but I have a feeling
she won’t make it another year. It’s scary for me to think that
I’m going to be registering for my Fall semester classes, and I’m
not sure if my mom will be alive when I finish those classes.
So that leads me to think that maybe I
should take the semester off. Maybe I should take a leave of absence.
I’m currently a full-time student at
Mills College in Oakland. I wanted to only be part-time so I could
have more time with my mom. But the financial aid office told me that
they don’t offer financial aid for part-time students. I asked them
if they could make an exception, and the man just told me that he
suggested that I take a leave of absence when things get really bad.
I hated that answer. I know my mom
wouldn’t want me to put my education on hold just for her. And I
certainly don’t want to either. I know that statistically, people
who take a break from college rarely actually return to finish their
degree.
But as my mom gets weaker and weaker, I
hate being at school. I do not give a shit about what style of
counterpoint northern Italian composers used in the late Renaissance.
Or how to find the elasticity of demand in a perfectively competitive
market.
So I’ve been contemplating taking a
leave of absence next semester. Mostly because I cannot possibly
imagine being in school when she dies. I don’t think I could handle
that. I know that I shouldn’t expect her to die, but I just want to
be prepared.
But there’s one thing I found out
today that is telling me to stay in school. I have Federal student
loans, and if I go below part-time student status, then I have to
begin payments on those loans. And there is no way I can afford that
right now.
I’m also thinking that it might be
best for me to move back to my parents’ house sometime soon. My
mom’s last MRI did not go well. In addition to her original tumor,
3 more have grown. And one of them is pushing against her
Hypothalamus. She’s now doing Avastin and her next MRI is on April
16th. So we’ll see how she’s doing then. But I feel
like it’s very unlikely that things will be getting any better. I
just hope things don’t get worse.
With school right now, and my mom’s
surprisingly busy schedule, I see her twice a week if I’m lucky. I
feel like I should be there more, which is why I’m thinking of
moving back. But like I wrote about earlier, I don’t even have a
bed there anymore. So even if I did want to move back, I’m not sure
where I would sleep.
Sorry to make this post such a downer.
I know I’ve been quite a downer lately (just ask my boyfriend). But
I have so much on my mind all the time. The idea of taking a leave of
absence from school and moving back home seems like it would relieve
a lot of stress for me. Then again, it would also probably add some
new stress too.
So I’m not sure what I’m going to
do. I feel like moving back, whether or not I take a leave of
absence, is probably a good idea. I’m just not sure when. At what
point do I move back home? I don’t know.
Hi, Misha, I'm just getting started reading your blog but already am drawn in by your writing style and your story; reading about your internal conflicts here takes me right back to when I was taking care of my dad, who died only ten weeks after his GBM diagnosis. I am older than you and had a somewhat different set of circumstances, but the turmoil still felt the same. I look forward to reading further. I hope you are finding some comfort from something in the midst of your grief.
ReplyDeleteMisha,
ReplyDeleteI am very sympathetic towards your situation. My intent is not to scare or tell you what path to take but I would like to tell you my story in case you find it helpful.
I too had a similar experience, my mother was sick while I was in high school. She went through a lot and I tried to stay as strong as she was. She always made it very clear, I was going to college. She wanted me to have the college experience of living away from home even though I wanted to go to a local branch for the first two years.
So I moved to a big university about an hour and 15 min from home. I too thought, like you are doing now, "what if that day comes?". It's a decision I still regret. A couple weeks in I got a phone call on a thursday from my dad saying it was "time". I came right home friday and I was told that she didn't want me to know about it until the week was over so I could concentrate in school. That's how tough she was. She smiled to me and said she was upset that I came home, I would be missing school. Her wish was for me to keep going to school. So I traveled home as often as I could between all my time off and I sat with her as much as I could. It was the most painful, stressful, and exhausting thing I have ever imagined. It has made the college experience very traumatic. But it also created a lot of guilt and regret that I wasn't really "there" for her. It is something I will struggle with the rest of my life. I don't want you to have to do the same. If I could do it over, I would have stayed home but I know that's not what she would have wanted and I would a less stronger of a person. I think about it and struggle with it every.single.day.
It's unfortunate money is a factor in your situation. Could you transfer and commute from home? But don't put off college, you want your mother proud and to see you getting a better education. But don't do something you will regret and feel guilt for forever. It will tear you down. Maybe your mom will pull through, but you never know. Mine was given a 95% survival when first diagnosed. Life just isn't fair, has no rules, shows no mercy, and is too short.