But even with her health getting worse, I'm finding that I'm actually having more fun with her. Now I know that sounds bad, but let me explain.
My mom was diagnosed a year and a half ago. And up until a few weeks ago, I always felt like I wasn't spending quality time with my mom. Like every time I went to visit her, I never left satisfied that I had spent memorable time with my mom. And each time I visited her, I would have this anxiety about making sure this visit wouldn't go to waste. And with all the anxiety, I could never really enjoy myself.
I'm not really sure what has changed, but ever since my mom enter the rehab hospital (CPMC in San Francisco), I've felt like I can finally relax and enjoy my time with my mom.
It took me 17 months of freaking out that I wasn't doing the whole "spend quality time with my mom" thing right to just relax and enjoy my time with my mom. When I used to visit her even 2 months ago, I would never want to say goodbye, not because we were having such a great time, but because I didn't want to leave her feeling like the visit wasn't worthwhile.
Now when I visit, I don't want to leave because I'm genuinely having fun. It such a remarkable feeling, and I'm so glad I've finally made it to this point! I would hate for my mom to die and to just feel like I didn't spend quality time with her.
I think maybe the change is because her health has gotten worse. Maybe during this whole thing, she didn't look sick enough for me to be genuinely happy to be sitting next to her. I think before she looked sick, I felt like I was just forcing myself to try to spend quality time with her because I knew would feel guilty when she was gone. Everything I did regarding my mom was run by guilt.
But now that she actually looks sick, I honestly just have a lot of fun being with her.
I wish I had felt this way last year when we went on that mother-daughter weekend trip together. I remember feeling so uncomfortable and guilt-tripping myself into anxiety. I wish so much that my mom and I could do that trip over again. But hey, if she were well enough to go on a trip, maybe I would still feel anxious and guilty.
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| My mom and I at the beach at Point Reyes National Seashore |
So yes, I'm horribly sad that my mom's health is getting worse, and I hate watching her try to stand up and not being able to. But I'm also so incredibly grateful that I'm no longer just terrorized by guilt. That I can simply enjoy every second I spend with my mom.
Some people just gets us up in the morning to do some good. Family, friends, the people we had in our lives. They motivate us to search for the right health care to carry them all. You can always have the memories of these loved ones, to guide you and keep you pressing on.
ReplyDeleteMeghan @ Aurora Diagnostics
It's rather illuminating to look back on these efforts which we have made, when our loved ones truly needed and latched onto us; the extent of our efforts, and our capacities on that end. We should really give as much help to members of our family, and to carry this kind of act with all our heart. It's the least we can do in these moments of challenge and difficult situations.
ReplyDeleteAmber Care
It must’ve been very difficult to you. It was never easy to act normally, knowing that she was getting weaker as days passed by. But if there’s some consolation, it was that you were able to be with her during all that. And that you were always there to give comfort that she needed during that time. I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteMarcia Sherman @ Comfort Keepers